I’ve been looking for these for a very long time, and I finally found them. We came up with these many years ago, and I think they still hold-true today. The following are 21st Century “algorithms” that modern managers can use to figure out their daily evil.
Figuring Out Who Should Be Promoted
function fastTrack(EmployeeClass employee, String buzzword) {
employee.bullshitDictionary.push(buzzword);
if employee.bullshitDictionary.count >=100 {
employee.manager=true;
}
}
Bonus Payout For Difficult Decisions
while (headcount.count >0) {
CEO.bonus += headcount[0].salary;
headcount.pop();
}
Project Management
function quality(int scope_creep) {
project.quick += scope_creep;
project.dirty + = scope_creep;
}
Who To Lay Off Today?
/* Employee Layoff Justification */
function justifyLayoff (employee){
layoff = true;
if (employee.cubicle.squareFeet > 50){
if (employee.cubicle == ‘storage’){
layoff = true;
}else{
layoff = false;
}
}
if (employee.cubicle.window.hasview == true){
if (employee.cubicle.window.view == ‘maintenance yard’){
layoff = true;
}else{
layoff = false;
}
}
if (employee.hasParkingSpot == true){
if (employee.hasParkingSpot.type == ‘Employee Of The Month’){
if (employee.vp.bonus < (CEO.bonus/2)){
layoff = true;
employee.vp.bounus += employee.salary;
}else{
layoff = false;
}
}else{
layoff = false;
}
}
if (layoff) {
employee.layoff();
}
}
An Easier Layoff Wizard
function LayoffWizard() {
/* Automatically takes care of the bottom 10% */
for each employeeID in employees {
if (employees.rank <10.0) {
AdjustBonus(CEO, employees[employeeID].compensation);
employees[employeeID].LayOff();
}
}
}